How not to get a Voiceover recorded

Here at BigFish Media Towers we received this - no doubt well-meant - enquiry about voiceovers this week:

Hi my name is **** I need a voice over for a similar to Rooney (Scouser)impression. If you can do a good impression then perhaps we can meet up or send me file over internet I am from Rossendale (Lancashire). I have a budget of around £60, 50% deposit up front and the rest on completion it shouldn't take longer than 20-30 Minutes in total very short 1 or 2 line sentences, less than 35 lines. I will need a receipt with your signature by you. Please contact me on ******** or email me to ring you on your number and leave your contact details. If you decide yes then I just want a one or two line tester over the phone thanks. Please contact me either way.

So my first thought: Scouser voiceover - sure. We have lots of talented voices who could do a good Liverpudlian accent. No problem.

perhaps we can meet up.  Sorry? Why? How far can you drive on £60 of petrol? It's not even a tank-full these days and certainly wouldn't get one of our voices to Lancashire.

Budget of £60. Ah. We really have a problem. I need a new PC but I only have a budget of £100. Will the computer shop say ok go on then?

Half now, half later. No. If we agreed to this it would be 100 per cent up front from an individual (as opposed to a Ltd Company) on an untraceable gmail/hotmail account.

it shouldn't take longer than 20-30 Minutes in total. How would he know? Is he the expert? That's just what I do when I phone a plumber isnt it? I know how long it will take them to fix my shower. And I tell them what I want to pay them.

I just want a one or two line tester over the phone thanks And he wants an audition too! Isn't that what voice reels on the website are for?

Sometimes I despair. Anyway we are moving on to more sensible voiceover clients now...